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I am concerned about my son's
ability to get good grades. He seems to put everything
off and doesn't make A's. What can I do?
First I would say to you that, being the parent
you should reward productivity, not grades. Many children
who feel displaced from their home or supportive
family dynamics - meaning parents who are not positively
and actively involved lovingly in their life - retreat
within. Also, children learn from the language,
tone and behavior of their elders, parents and people
in their home life who may be role models set forth.
They mimic and repeat behaviors they feel are
appropriate because they see and hear this behavior
occurring at home. Often we hear, 'Do as I say, not as
I do,' but children learn from what you do and not so
much from what you say to do, and this is leading and
teaching by example.
Around this question we keep wanting to go back to
home dynamics but we will direct this question also
to word skills and performance. Divorce, separation and
inadvertent feelings toward men affect many children.
The feeling of familiarity and security are vitally
important to anyone's well being. If you
unconditionally love someone then you support them
while they achieve within their own experience, their
own ability and within their own time to accomplish
tasks while being proactive and interested in what
they are involved with. This does not mean noticing or
commenting on it. What it means is actually being
emotionally available, sitting by their side and
getting involved in their project.
We sense that many single moms or parents who are, for example,
realtors or social service agents, or those involved
with business management services have a structured work environment that
usurps some parent's time because they are always trying
to make the next deal, bring in the next commission or
meet the next deadline, and the child then falls through the
well-intended crack of the parent who thinks they are
providing a good home. When the parent takes the time
to realize that the child, like them, learns at his or
her own rate and within that child's own ability, they
start the process of achieving through productive,
shared interests.
Again, reward productivity, not grades. If your child
brings home C's and has handed in their papers on
time, done the required work on time and received a
solid grade such as a C due to this, reward this behavior
as it reflects the child's ability to accomplish tasks.
There is more involved in getting and maintaining A's
than one would think. You have to take into
consideration the dynamics between the child and
teacher and their personalities which may not be as
compatible as they may be with other teachers. You
should also take into consideration the inter-student
dynamics and politics, even and especially during
school years as children will pattern their social
dynamics after the examples they have set for them.
The biorhythms of your child and the performance peak
times of your child may vary and it may take
observational time to determine when your child will do
their best. Some children are morning people, some are
night time people, some may peak in the afternoon.
What we are saying to you is that each person has
different and undetermined times they may be more
apt and accessible to information than other times.
Finally, children respond to stress differently than
adults as their brain is not fully
developed chemically, so they will not process information the
same way as an adult, nor will they react the same way.
Be patient and remember you are the parent, not the
friend. Parents should have their own age-appropriate
friends and if necessary, therapists to help them resolve their life issues.
It is up to you to set the example by taking a
proactive interest and this means sitting by their
side and becoming involved in projects. Know who their
friends are and know what they are watching on TV and
the grade or rating of that video game they are
playing. Structure, direct and guide their time. Be
accountable for their well being by being accessible to
them and let them take accountability for their
behavior. Don't excuse poor behavior and always reward
positive performance of tasks by recognition of
accomplishment.
Do not involve your child in your issues or your
daily decisions or problems. Remember, they are looking
to you to guide them, to resolve for them, to listen
to them tell you about their day. We cannot stress
to you enough that you are the parent, not the friend.
It is your job, for lack of a better term, to lead them
to knowledge and abilities that will surpass yours, and
in doing so prepare them to lead a productive,
healthy and happy life.
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PARENTING AND THE PERFORMANCE OF THE CHILD 
