Dear Michel and DRL: I have a son who is very lovable and yet he has outbursts of aggression. I am worried because he has conflicts at school with other kids his age, even girls and also with his Dad. What can I do?

Look to your own aspects of control and trust. What are your issues that you have carried over into your current relationship and how has this affected the atmosphere you are raising your child in? As one grows older they change and so does how they view their relationships and family. A relationship is always needing cultivating, not unlike a garden. Change and adaptation are a part of nature. Many adults become entrapped by their own childhood experiences through which they establish their own patterns of behaviors.

Children pick up on very subtle clues especially when it has to do with their sense of security. So, let us ask you this. Did you feel you had to 'keep the peace' when you were a child? Did you try to 'tap off' conflicts before they happened or when you sensed they would happen? And do you not think that there is a possibility that you carried these patterns of behavior over into your adult life? Perhaps this is not so much about your son as it is about yourself and learning to re-establish an awareness of self worth and self-liking. We realize that at this moment you may not be able to hear this, so we will continue.

Usually, a young man from the age of 5 to 15 may demonstrate a conflicted parental relationship by 'acting out' with women or girls, or men and boys (which would challenge his self autonomy) as a signal that something is vitally wrong in their home life or primary (nurturing) relationship. If he acts out with women or girls and leans more toward his mother as companion and protector, then his relationship with other females, outside of that of his mother, will be maladjusted. His aspects of sexuality may become confused. He has come to regard older women as the source of his protection, nurturement and food - his basic means of survival and self-actualization. The older women, especially his mother, will represent his validation of self-approval and in realizing this he becomes closer to her and his aspects of intimacy with girls his own age, and as he grows older, women, become confused. He sees girls his own age as sources of sexual conflict, and older women as a source of nurturement.

The dominant mother who adapts the male role, or 'father-figure' role, by feminizing it cannot replace the male role-modeling a developing, younger man needs. Yes, the boy will grow and evolve, but he may be attracted to other older men or males who have visual traits that would translate over, through a child's perception, as masculine and as a replacement source for the missing or inadequate father figure.

As the boy grows his emotions may be confused as his view toward women will be based on a process of subjugation and he will more than likely try to 'replace' his mother with other dominant females which will then enter into conflict with the mother and leave the now-emerging man feeling neutered and inadequate. The likelihood that he may even distance himself from his mother, leaving her with a sense of further abandonment is of great concern. As she, the mother, has elected to take the role of the nurturer, he, the boy, sees her as such and trusts that her judgments are sound. The closeness of their relationship as parent and friend and protector and confidant creates, in and of itself, a sense of unbalance. The mother and son may displace their frustrations on each other. If the mother, to whom the boy looks for emotional cues, becomes angry or frustrated with someone else or by someone else and 'takes it out' on the boy, or lashes out on the boy, the boy will begin to see the mother as an equal source of conflict.

The boy, during these times, will likely try to protect or console the mother, the mother's partner's job, if you will. If the boy assumes this role, and if he is rejected during these times when he tries to fix and console the mother, he will distance himself from the mother and enter into further conflict with her as he begins to see her as emotionally inconsistent. In an adult relationship with women he may turn over his personal power, his income, and his self empowerment. He may also self-medicate as a means to 'fix' himself when in actuality there was nothing wrong with him.

All of this ties into your, the parent's, family history as well. These patterns are usually not unique. Children grow up (regardless) and enter into relationships and these emerging relationships are 'blue-printed' by how they were taught to view relationships. They are further impacted by how early on the individual was nurtured, and hence, taught to nurture. Even you have chosen your relationships based upon how you were taught to view yourself. As an adult you chose your mate in a manner that would balance out your personal level of comfort. If it is functional or not functional, it does not matter as it is somehow part of the process of mirroring your sense of comfort back at you until you can recognize it for what it is and move through it. As the adult it is up to you to fix yourself. No one else. Your accepting responsibility for establishing proper boundaries and becoming well will self-correct the past beliefs you have had about yourself.

Again we will go back to reinforce what we have said earlier to you. The problem, or error in thinking, may be with you.You are the one who is parenting and you may be projecting your unresolved issues onto your child. If you know there are certain things that are catalysts for conflict then look at them and address them. You may not be able to address them with your spouse, your family members or your co-workers. If you have problems with authority figures and conflicts, and if you feel you are not treated fairly, perhaps this has to do with you and you 'fixing' the way you react. Again, your child takes his emotional cues from you.

Let us again go back to the question about these young men and this specific young man. For if what you indicate to us is beginning to be acted out in various ways, all in an attempt to 'find himself' you should look and see what is precipitating these events. Our concern is about how he will view himself in relationship to his peers. The younger girls may become a source of conflict as when they begin to arouse him when he is of that certain age, as he enters puberty, he may sense that the feelings he has for them are in conflict with the feelings he has for his mother. As he suppresses this he also sees the father, his father, as a source of rivalry and 'the desire' for his mother causes the boy to reject these younger girls and display aggression toward them while at home his father is an ever present threat to his security and source of nurturement. The father may also be feeling, and more than likely is feeling, a sense of rivalry with the boy for the attention and affections of his wife which he believes is the boy's fault as she is too involved with the boy, too attentive to the boy and too protective of the boy.

There is an increased strain on the father-son relationship and conflicts arise more frequently where the father and son are struggling over dominance and the role as dominant male in the family structure. The father is viewed as a rival and the goal they both try to achieve is the mother's exclusive affection and attention. An internal conflict arises in the young man who is increasingly conflicted in his feeling and delayed in his emotional development. He feels he loves his father but wants the father 'to go away' so he can have a more intimate relationship with his mother. It is not uncommon during this time of crisis that the mother and father cease having intimate relationships.

The young man develops a great emerging sense of guilt over this and the anger grows, manifesting in outbursts as the child and emerging adult feels powerless. The area of caution here is once the young man develops size and physical stature over the father, there is an increased chance of actual physical conflict between the males. The young man recognizes that he is no longer afraid of the father and the result could be devastating to all involved. What will further worsen this is that if the mother has snapped at the boy when she has conflicts with others, the boy will think that he has done something wrong. If she continues this behavior by not properly directing her rage and anger at the source and redirecting it at the boy, the boy may well strike out at her. The problem here would be the irreparable damage to the boy and his development.

Oftentimes it may not be the child who needs the therapy. It may be the parent. Without realizing it, the parent, YOU, in this specific case, the mother, the nurturer and the companion may be setting the child up for failure based on your own 'lackages' and fears. It may be you who, not having resolved your own issues, are passing those neuroses on the child and setting him up against other males that trigger your own sense of violation.

The sense of fear the young man once had diminishes and he pursues exclusivity regarding his mother's affections. The father-son relationship is further tested due to the young man feeling castrated by his father and the father's lack of interest in nurturing the young man. To avoid the feeling of 'nothingness' the boy usually will turn to the father for guidance and self-identification. If this is achieved he will learn that his feelings toward his mother are misguided and inappropriate. If the young man does re-establish his relationship with his father in a healthy manner where the father takes a leadership role, the unresolved conflict with the father will result in the younger man looking to other men who demonstrate what the young man thinks is his ideal type of a father-son relationship. This also means that you, the mother, must take responsibility for your emotional sobriety. The mother may want to consider therapy to help her address her unresolved childhood issues. NOT therapy for her child, NOT therapy for her husband, but for herself. She must realize, you must realize, that the individual must fix themselves before they assign fault to another. This will enable the mother, you, to translate her increased sense of self-worth into the family dynamic.

Furthermore, it will be difficult for the young man to maintain a healthy opposite-gender relationship because he will never have resolved his conflicted mother-son relationship issues and he will never have seen the parent, his mother, his source of nurturement and protection, significantly prove that she, the female, could provide an emotionally stable life for him to grow and mature within.

This is similar in theory as it relates to aggressive girls. A girl around the age of 5 to 15 develops 'male-envy' in attempts to relate to her father which may not be present during the girl's development, causing her to reject her mother and seek other older women as her source of stability and nurturement and 'act out' toward boys. Once this process is complete, both the young men and young women would find appropriate members of the opposite sex to fulfill sexual interests. In individuals where the childhood conflicts have been successfully resolved, all inappropriate aggression will be removed by adulthood and these young individuals will go on to have appropriate opposite gender relationships. In these situations the children always search for that sense of 'male' affirmation.

Ah, so much to say on so little when all of it could have been prevented and still maybe so. There is no right or wrong, only error, that which does not serve you well and serve the greater good. Focusing on Divine Mind can disallow 'error' and maintain the natural means of being as Divine and All Loved.

These aforementioned aspects of development play a vital part in how the individual matures and grows. It also is an indicator of how he or she will pick their partners and what kinds of relationships they will choose. After all, didn't how you were taught to view yourself and how you either received nurturement or not shape the relationships you have chosen? But more importantly, how you acted out within your relationship(s)?

There are other biological aspects that propose that genetics may be a component of aggression and gender based determinants in relationship orientation. Some younger men and women and children are more aggressive while others are naturally passive. It is also thought that the genetic components of an individual and that individual's family history explain their absence of aggression or their lack of inhibitions which would moderate their impulse control. There are also more complex components regarding gender based conflict and aggression and these relate to the presence or absence of particular chemicals and hormones which inhibit or exacerbate the effects aggression. High levels of the hormone testosterone and neurotransmitters such as seratonin and dopamine produce higher levels of aggression. If these chemicals and neurotransmitters are out of balance, medications can be used to realign these balances. But this goes according to 'guesstimations' and medication in these instances should be used conservatively and as a last resort. Seratonin and Dopamine treatments have been being used pharmacologically as an effective treatment in combating sleeplessness, depression and erratic aggression. Aggression is instinctive. It is a remaining part of the individual's primal-self but it can be managed and realigned.

It is our recommendation that thought and individual awareness be made and effort be put into active and proactive thought modification to realign these family and individualized conflicts. It is only through thought awareness that change can occur.

We have said to you before that you need to recognize what is happening and not assign blame. It is vitally important you do assign blame, but once you recognize a behavior you choose to stop it. Yes, stop it. More than likely, if you look back in your family line and perhaps not even your not too distant family line, you can see divorce, aggression, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, self-medicating behavior and it may be hard to look at this. Indeed, it may be hard at first but if you look at it and see its effect, then you can recognize it when you play into it. But if you keep doing the right thing it will become easier and easier. Then you, yes you, can make a difference in this life and in your future generations.

You cannot change someone. All you can do is allow them to be themselves. This will either prove to be beneficial and compatible with you and your life needs or not. If it proves not to be then you can make whatever decision is right for you at that time. But you cannot turn someone into something that you would like them to be.

Your faith and relationship with Divine Mind, not with Mortal Mind, will keep you right and whole. It is in believing that all is made as it is meant to be. Once realizing this there can be no error. When you project your interpretation of morality onto others you are reflecting Mortal Mind and human subjective thought and through this comes greater conflict of being. When you allow Divine Mine a presence in your awareness you find an ease of being. When you find conflict, look at the history of it and look to understand its cause, not to assign blame for it, and in so doing let go the cause and release it.

Be aware and be allowing. Allow yourself to realize you play a big part in constructing your reality and the consequences of your actions. How you react is as important as how you act.

We do not think you will be able to hear us at this point in time. But we hope that somewhere within your being you find the element of awarenesses that will allow you to be kinder to yourself and less confrontational. You do not always have to win or control. If you attempt this again and again you will push those who have, would have, and those who may have loved you, away. And you will find yourself alone.

Children will grow and they will tend to lean toward light and love. Like with any living thing, light and love will cause new beginnings and growth. Realize the shadow you cast is reflected forward onto your family, your child and husband and your friends from your past. Release the past and step renewed into allowing and a truly unconditionally loving present.

Look at the role and part you play in your relationships and start to reshape them for the better. We hope this addresses your question.