Can you tell me how to get to know my daughter again? I run a real-estate office and it takes a lot of time out of the day. We are growing further apart and she is still in high school. What can I do? Arleen.

Arleen, it does not matter that it is your daughter, what matters is that it is your child. A little while ago we had a similar question from a woman regarding her son. Parenting is never easy as it is never easy to maintain your relationship with God. Being human, we all are designed to get up in the daily activities of life and then rethink about our every day once something has happened. So, Arleen, I am guessing that something has occurred, more than likely on a reoccurring basis, to bring you to me. There is something safe about asking for advice from someone you don't know and hoping that somehow the advice you get will reconfirm what you want to hear. I hope I can provide some sense of comfort for you.

So let me ask you some simple questions. You know the name of your employees and more than likely their significant others also. You also know the names of your clients, their spouses, their likes and dislikes and their financial information. You take interest in their life, their choice of colors and you more than likely notice the car they drive. So let me ask you, do you know the names of your daughter's teachers? Do you know the courses she is taking and due dates for her projects? Do you know when she cycles monthly? Or the products she uses?

These are just some basic questions. Then I would ask you when was the last time you cooked dinner, ate together and had a family night? Parents were traditionally successful in conveying the values of their faith and family history, so for me, I cannot answer your question or more than likely give you the answer you want to hear. But I can give you the tools I work with each day in my ministry, life and writings. So, let's begin.

Your life has tributaries like a root system on a tree, the branches on a tree, or a river with streams and creeks running from it, or your heart that pumps blood to all the main arteries and then the veins that supply your body with oxygen. The generations of your family work in a similar manner. Even the DNA within you maps not only your potential for illness and disease, but also, the origins of your ethnicity. Where you came from and the events that shaped how you were raised fed your spirit and shaped your character as you know it today. There is no simple answer to the question you ask. A series of events shaped you and how YOU parent. Each parent thinks they do their best to parent based on how they were raised. They either repeat the same patterns or they set about to improve these parental patterns of behavior by doing the opposite of what they were taught. There are some basics.

First you have to have a sense of spirituality and God in your life.This is your first and foremost relationship for it will sustain you. Secondly is the relationship you have with your family as this is where you draw your physical nurturement from. Then comes work. This is were you earn the means to support your life endeavors which are based on your relationship with God and family.

Earning the means and ability is easy. Work. But sharing the wealth of that work or the rewards of that work is not so easy. You work undoubtedly to make a better life for your family and yourself. But to what avail if you loose your family in the process? Indeed. You need to demonstrate your compassion and love for God and your family by sharing yourself in person and deed. Your child is the spiritual thought manifested of your life and truth. Jesus said, "Wherefore by their fruits yea shall know them." You will see the manifestations of what you have created through your choices lived out before you and through these choices you will see how those subsequent consequences impact your life.

It is important to know that it must be equally unpleasant for your child as it is for you. Children learn through what they live as did you. No one person comes to where they are alone. Each choice, each decision has subsequent effects that may last a lifetime. Not all scars are visible. Some of the deepest scars are never visible. This is why each person needs something to anchor themselves in, a sense of faith. As I said when I started, the prudent person organizes their life with purpose. God, family and work.

Where did you loose yourself on your journey? Only you can answer your own questions and all anyone can do is use that information to try and make better choices. Finding your answers is often painful but in the end will it be worth it to you? Each good choice you make, no matter how hard, starts to right the history of bad choices you have made and this will go for your child as well. To find your way out of this you have to have a foundation to fall back on and this would be your sense of faith and personal belief.

Reading the local newspaper, I came upon an advice column where a young lady had written in and shared a story about how her boss at work told her that she felt that the young lady should get credit counseling because she spent so much money shopping while still living at home. She went on to further state that she did not like her boss imparting advice to her and wanted to know if she should tell her boss to stay out of her business. The advice columnists went on to suggest this and that, and told her to save so she could get her own home some day!

The question that came to my mind was how did the boss know what the employee was spending. Was the employee talking about it all the time while at work? The second thought that crossed my mind was, why was the employee even talking to the boss about her spending habits and why had the professional line been blurred and personal information exchanged. If the younger woman had gone to work and done her job and the boss had remained a boss, then the conversations would have never happened. My point is this. With any interaction there are roles and responsibilities. While at work you are there to work, not make friends and exchange personal information with people who are not at the same employment level. Your role as a parent is to set boundaries and guidelines for your child, not to be their friend. More and more the lines of appropriate boundaries are being blurred. There is too much information and not enough time for those you want to be with and equally, there are too many reasons not to be with them.

Just think about your ride to work. How much information do you get? There are signs on the roadside, there is news on the radio and even electronic information centers in cars. Then there is your beeper, your cellular phone and some people have more than one or multiple rings so you can identify whose calling, palm pilots and not to mention the e-mails you have waiting for you when you get to work. Then there is text messaging, instant messaging, and e-mails waiting for you when you get home. Some people can even turn their inside house lights on with a push of a button on their car visor. Now imagine having no reference point to any other type of lifestyle where there was no instant exchange of information. Your child has known nothing else except instant gratification and too much information. Your role is to limit that access and set appropriate boundaries. Today's child has lived in world with clean war, meaning that it is removed from their sensibility as they have already been conditioned to accept violence through video games, programming and music. They are desensitized to emotions of attachment that would bind them to any level of awareness of consequence. Immediacy is all they have known.

It is up to you to learn who your child really is and what they are doing. You can start with limiting computer and game time. Get to know their friend's parents by actually meeting them and seeing their home and how they live. You child is a product of what you exposed them to and their friends will reflect what they have been exposed to. Take the time to take interest in your child's life. By the time you have gotten around to asking about this issue, more than likely the distance between you and your child is great. It will take time to rebuild and relearn new patterns of behavior. This is why you need some basics to work with and the most basic place to start is with yourself.

Plan your day with work in mind but around your family responsibilities. Take the time to plan at least one sit down meal at home and if necessary, have your child's friends over and clean up and put everything away together. Talk during this meal and share stories of the day. Be home at nights with your child and set a time when they have to be home and in bed, to rest and restore for the next day. As an adult you know what lack of sleep and stress can do to your day. So set appropriate boundaries. You cannot always do what everyone else does and you cannot always be liked and popular.

I don't predict death or tell people about their illnesses as I think that it is more important to talk about their truth, what they are not communicating. In dealing with this, they can come to know their own truth and understandably correct what is wrong with them. Even if my writing or spiritual communications tell me something that is negative or seemingly harsh, I will not share that. It is enough to know that "what comes around goes around" and actions will circle around. There is a level of universal energy that exists through creation and through God and the Divine that is an energy reserve separate from the concept of God itself - a universal awareness or reservoir of knowledge that can be tapped into.

There is energy running through our daily lives and you can see examples of it in your every day life. When anyone asks questions all I can do is give you the information. I can get through impressions at that time, for it is constantly changing as each person has direct control over their life and reality. Therefore, they alone can affect the outcome of their actions by choosing how they will RE-act to any give situation. You have to learn boundaries and the ability to STOP - THINK - REACT. The choices you make impact all others that you come into contact with. Why? Because the way to react effects your emotions and your health, your ability to focus and your ability to interact with others throughout your day. Having a sense of faith to ground yourself in is indeed a good place to start.

I have been concerned with terrorism for a long time, I have been concerned with the current path of political policies but I am more concerned with where they are heading. I can write and speak about the images I receive. At that moment they are in the making and accurate. However, the good thing behind these impressions is that they give notice and they give the chance to redirect energy. Usually, when one becomes aware of options they think about their choices. Their decision can alter or change the energy or awareness involved in the process to cause further change for the better.

So, what I am saying to you is that no matter what I say, you already have an idea of the outcome you want. Do you really want to take responsibly? If you do then that may entail changes in the way to act and react to others. But this is more importantly about how you react to your own sense of guilt or whatever you feel has shaped you into the person you are. I can't do that for you. A question is a question and within it is the answer. Do you really want to embrace your child? Because it may mean embracing that unhealed part of you that your child is reflecting back onto you and that you are reacting to.

To heal another you have to become available to heal yourself and let go of your pain. I know only good can come from the choice you make because they will reoccuringly guide you back to the same spot and similar interactions until you make the right choice to move yourself forward in a beneficial manner and get beyond the blockages that impede your growth.

Let us ask you a question. Have you ever worked what is referred to as a twelve-step program or has another close to you, because we see this energy about you?

Hum, well.

So, we take that as a yes!

Well, only as support. I mean I went for, or with, my ex-husband.

Was it for or with? These are two different things?

Well I never had a problem with alcohol. He got mean when he drank.

And of course you did not feed into this. And your daughter?

And my daughter what? What are you getting at?

In this room we are the only ones with attitude. Do not get defensive with us or we will bypass the questions and speak to you in a more direct manner which you may like even less. I believe we will do this regardless.

It seems that throughout our experiences, these so called self-help groups or twelve-step programs do not usually work long term. They are fine for a short-term fix or band-aide on a much larger problem - that being addictive personality disorders which become transferred over into other areas. All that is being done is that these people are gathering together in groups to bond over a wound or faulted-disease within their make-up or personality. Some go because they are court ordered. Others go because they are planning ahead for custody cases where children may be involved. Others go so they can see those poorer folk who are worse off than themselves and while slumming it, they leave feeling superior. Oh, not you of course or anyone aliken to you because as you said, you did not have a problem. Did you think during or diverging from the conversation that we forgot your question? We did not. Ah! validation. Self addicting personalities who seek to assign responsibility to all else but themselves. Their mother, father, grandparents, spouses and even children, but never themselves.

What we are getting at is we feel it is you who has a problem and part of that problem is the unhealed child within yourself and how, when you do not get the answer you want, you simply transfer the responsibility, or better yet, the acknowledgment of it over to something else so you do not have to accept it. Tell us, why did you really go to these meeting? Why?

I don't like the tone you are speaking to me in.

As we have said, do not rise up to leave for you will take this with you, unresolved. Before you walk out, ask yourself if this is what you do with you daughter and why you work so much! Resolve this and take what we say to you with love. We are not here to be your friend or to be popular. You came and sought us out. Now we are here before you to help reflect back to you that part of yourself that is unhealed.

I don't know what to do.

Neither do the many who are here and going through the same thing as yourself. They sit silently, wishing that we do not look upon them and see their secrets. But they are watching, are you not? At least, dear child, you had the initiative to ask! And that is the beginning!

So let us start again with the true question.

All right.

What we feel you would rather have asked us is, "I am concerned. I have lost my faith and myself. I feel I need to have control over just about everything in my life because I do not want to get hurt. I try to be there for people, even my daughter whom I love and I just don't know how to be. My soul is tired and I need to be loved. What do I do?"

Do not cry child. This is the realization of the past, the illusion brought forward that you have allowed yourself to believe. You do not need these groups or people, or references that bind you to a wound and assign blame by self admitting that there are steps to take to get well. Silly. Silly! You are well and whole and the image of God and the Divine. These things are a piece of moldy bread that will make the good loaf bad.

Look around you at the eyes of concern upon both you and us at this moment. Some have genuine concern and others, and we do not have to look upon you, who would not want to be in your place of discomfort now. From this place of discomfort you can make a realization and move forward. These others will not so do. They watch and comment, thinking they know another's truth and as they leave tonight they will discuss all this, knowing far better, and they will NOT grow or move forward, but settle deeper into their complacency.

People often ask us questions, as we have said, to validate their already set perception or to test us. Both are a waste of time and energy. The work you need to do will not be easy. It is never easy and you need to hear that. Once someone said to us, "I want to do it pain free and easily." They are still where they were, slightly better, but most certainly caught in the grind of life. It is never easy. It was not easy for The Christ who was crucified, nor will it be easy for you. But the good does outweigh the short lived discomfort or pain. Once you face it, whatever it is, you can move forward. People usually judge others from the position of how well they value themselves in relationship to the world they live in.

Victims are often comfortable in the role of victim. And there is a relationship between victim and victimizer. They both need each other to complete a process and that process is usually cut short when the victim chooses to STOP being a victim. To do this you need to address your self-esteem issues and that means putting yourself into a healthy environment that reaffirms the positive qualities of life.

These esoteric or 'goodie-goodness' get you nowhere. You need, at some point in time, to roll up your sleeves and say, "I have to get to work on this" and jump in and do it. You cannot while away your life and have your position reaffirmed to you! You need to be challenged to be better, to think newer thoughts, to problem solve. You cannot be cottled and be expected to grow into functional individuals. Guided, yes. Supported, when you make efforts, yes. And it is NOT our job to blur these lines and let you think we are your friend, buddy, soul-mate, guide or otherwise. We parent, we teach, we lead, we speak and give you FUNCTIONING tools to apply to your life as you should your children, as your parents should have done for you.

In 2 Timothy 3:16 it says, "All scripture IS given by inspiration of God, and IS profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness." Then in 2 Timothy 3:17 it says, "That the man (individual) of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto ALL good works (deeds)" meaning that within scripture and the word of God is the tool to inclusional well being. But scripture warns in 2 Timothy 4:3, "For a time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine (listen to and practice); but after their own lust (wants and desires, validations and assurances) shall they heap to themselves teachers (seek out) having itching ears (questioning)," 4 and it further says, "And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables," meaning that if individuals do not find the validation they want they will seek out places they can get this validation and it will not be in the best place and may not be based in what is best for them! .

Finally you are given the guarantee that, 2 Timothy 4:18, "And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve ME unto his heavenly kingdom; to BE glory for ever and ever. Amen," meaning that if YOU want and seriously DESIRE to be released of pain, guilt and conflict you will find peace of mind. But you have to earnestly want it, and do the WORK to get it, and hang onto it. Divine healing can occur by asking, by the laying on of hands and through prayer. Now this doesn't necessarily mean getting down on your knees and following pre-prescribed prayers. What it does mean is feeling the desire and want for God to come into your life and acknowledging His presence.

Of course you are going to have others who don't like you, who find fault with you. Even Christ had that! But if you know yourself and you know that others do not threaten you and that you have chosen to truly forgive anyone who has done harm to you then you can move forward. But you cannot do this if you are concerned with being popular or with what this or that one might say or do! This faith is vitally important.

To enjoy your WHOLENESS of life you have to accept your part in creating the existing dynamic that you have with your daughter, and for some of you it may be with your brother, mother, father, or spouse. Ask yourself if you are a people-pleaser or a 'God pleaser.' Don't play into other people's fears and insecurities. God created you to be different and to be unique. Most importantly, God created you to love freely every person you come into contact with and NOT to judge them. Just as you, yes, you, are unclear exactly how you have gotten to where you are with your daughter, imagine the confusion other's are facing in their life. What we are saying to you is that you are not alone. You do have answers and they are within you because you have God's guarantee that if you really try He will be there to lift you up.

Allow your daughter to express herself. Oftentimes all any person wants is someone to listen. After you listen and listen with your heart, you will be able to talk to her about her feelings. Let her express them to you. In doing this you will more than likely hear aspects of your lost self, the past you, speaking to you through her words. We all reflect back to those around us the unhealed aspects of yourselves.

Time and time again these things will repeat. The human story has been as it is since the beginning of time. To be loved, to give love and not to be hurt in the process. They go hand in hand as does living and time. If you choose to be brave enough to ask, then be brave enough to know we stand with you, and so does God. You are not alone and when you step into the shadows of darkness, know that you step away from those who would pull you back into it and you will find the light and love that have been waiting for you. YOUR fear prevents you for enjoying this life to its fullest. Take the chance to question and know you are loved for you alone can choose to alter your path, believe in your potential and the potential of others.